What Is I Woke Up Next to You Again About

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

My favorite pornstar died last night.

I woke up today with mourning wood.

So a guy walks into the doctors office...

...and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"

"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."

The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going to have to stop masturbating for a little while."

"Why?" asks the man.

"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

Semantics really

I woke up this morning and found a bunch of missing person posters around town that said "Offering reward for any information".

I promptly ran to a phone, called them up and told them my favourite colour was blue.

I woke up hung-over to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn.

He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving.

The Meaning of dreams

One morning, after she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "Maybe you'll find out tonight…," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled:"The Meaning of Dreams."

One night I dreamt that I was a muffler...

I woke up exhausted.

Baseball in Heaven

Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:

"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."

Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.

"Who's there?" he called out.

"Moe! It's me Sam!"

"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.

"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.

"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.

"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."

"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"

"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."

Ya know, I've never taken an ugly girl to bed...

Woke up with a few though.

Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.

Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

You can explore woke asleep reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean woke 3am dad jokes. There are also woke puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A thief

A thief broke in to my house last night........He started searching my house for money so I woke up and searched with him.

All last night I dreamed I was a muffler...

I woke up exhausted

So.. I woke my gf up with oral sex this morning

-Oh wicked, what'd she say?

-Thtoph, thtoph!

I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy...

then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

Why do you need patience at the gym?

Because there is a lot of weighting.

*sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.

I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work...

I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.

John Cena woke up from a coma

John Cena: Where am I?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you don't.

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.

I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)

Great success.

A French Girl gets her Period

My friend's family is French.

His sister had this huge French flag for a bed sheet.

Then one night she got her period.

Imagine her shock when she woke up on the Japanese Flag.

I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10.

Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.

So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..

Turns out she was just vacuuming.

Today I woke up to a blow job..

..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.

Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

I was tickling my brothers feet last night...

...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.

Slept like a baby last night

Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

Woke up to a blow job earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

I got hammered last night and woke up next to some fat old lady that was snoring.

So I guess I made it home okay...

Bob had forgotten his wedding anniversary and was in trouble.

His wife was really angry.

She told him, Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

I was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door.

I banged on the wall and shouted, "For God's sake, keep it down!"

I think Putin woke up late today

I saw him Russian to work

I woke up to find my wife lying unconscious on the kitchen floor..

At first I panicked, then remembered that McDonalds does all day breakfast.

I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda.

When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

My wife woke up with a smile on her face this morning.

God I love sharpies.

A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning

He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_

His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_

He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!

Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.

And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money

So I woke up to look with him.

Harry Potter woke up in a hospital.

A little confused he asked "where am I?"

Doctor: "why you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"

"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself

slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"

Last night I woke up, startled, to a female's voice coming from my desktop. Hello, it said, It's me.

Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."

A priest has a weiner dog which he loves.

One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:

"Does anybody have a weiner?"

So all the men stood up,

"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a weiner?"

So all the women stood up

"Oh my god that's not what I meant.... Has anyone seen someone else's weiner"

Half of the women stood up

"For god's sake has someone seen my weiner?"

All the children stood up.

I had this horrible nightmare last night!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!

That's when I woke up and realized, it was just a fanta-sea

A boy who lived in a farm woke up and wanted breakfast (NSFW)

His mother said he had to do his chores first.

So went out and feed the pigs but kicked them as he left.

Then he collected the eggs from the chickens but gave them a kick as he left.

After that he milked the cows but made sure to kick them as well.

When he came back in his mother gave him a dry bowl of ceral.

The boy asked "where's the milk for my ceral and my bacon and eggs?"

His mother replied "you kicked the cows so no milk, you kicked the chickens so no eggs and you kicked the pigs so no bacon".

The boy's father then came down and kicked the cat.

The boys said to his mother "do you want to tell him or shall I?"

A man woke up in the hospital...

Doctor: I'm really sorry, but we've had to remove your colon.

Me why?

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and found that her husband wasn't there beside her.

She went downstairs and found him sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and looking thoughtful.

"Honey, what's wrong?, she asked.

He replied, "Well do you remember when we were dating?"

"Yes"

"And do you remember the first time we had sex?"

She smiled and answered, "Of course."

"And you remember how your Dad caught us."

She laughed and replied, "Oh god, yeah!"

"And since I was 18 and you were 17 how he threatened to send me to jail for twenty years if I didn't marry you?"

"Uh huh. What of it?", she asked.

He let out a sad sigh, "I would have gotten out today..."

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, - I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."

"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!"

Three men are discussing what they think is the fastest thing in the world

The first man says The fastest thing in the world is a thought... I think something and pops into my head

The second man says The fastest thing in the world is light... I turn on the light switch and the room lights up instantly

The third man thinks for a second and says you are both wrong... it's actually Diarrhoea

Confused, The two friends as him how could diarrhoea be the fastest thing in the world?

The third man replies well, the other day when I woke up, before I could even think or turn on the light, it was already too late!

Guess who woke up to 23 missed calls from their Ex ?

My Ex.

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.

"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours.
She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

A nun is walking to church.

As she passes her local store, the shopkeeper says, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?"

She finds it odd, but keeps walking. On her walk, three more people pass her and say, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?"

Still baffled as she gets to the church, she walks to another nun at the pulpit and asks, "Why does everyone keep asking me if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?!"

The other nun looks down and says, "You're wearing the priest's shoes"

I joined a religion where flatbread tells us about god.

Its a naan prophet organization.

I have no idea why this was the first thing my brain did when I woke up this morning.

I tried an At Home Covid Test

Instructions:

1. Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2. If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3. If you can smell it and taste it, this confirms that you don't have the Covid.

Last night, I did the test 19 times and all were negative. Tonight, I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and I feel like I'm coming down with something.

My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She's Tolkien in her sleep.

My wife made up this joke in a dream and woke herself up laughing...

Q: How do you tell the difference between a Golder Retriever and a Dalmatian?

A: You get down on the floor and spin them around real fast. One of them is yellow and the other one is gray.

When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated.

She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, "oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution"

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.

I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.

I once woke up mid surgery.

Thankfully the patient was still asleep.

Should've been more specific

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said...

May divorce be with you.

What do you call a wolf that is woke?

Awarewolf

(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)

My kids asked me what it's like to be a mother.

So i woke them up at 5am to tell them my sock fell off.

Bill Cosby enters in a bar ...

... i don't know what happens next because I suddenly woke up in a motel's room.

Bob was in trouble

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water

I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

A thief broke into my house last night

He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

A husband was sleeping next to his blind wife…

He woke up feeling his wife's hands touching all over his face. Annoyed he asked, What are you doing?

In a sweet voice she said, I just love watching you sleep.

If There's Hell Below …

As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, Why are all the blinds drawn in here? The nurse answered, There's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

Home Covid Test.

1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.

2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.

3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.

Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.

I am so nervous.

i found a talking tree

i woke up one day and i heard a crying voice, i followed it and i found the source to be from a cut down tree

i said: "hello?"

the tree said crying: "what do you want?"

i asked: "you can talk?"

the tree answered: "yeah I'm a rare variant, now you answer my question: who cut me in half?"

i replied: "i don't know."

the tree said: "i don't know too, i'm stumped"

I woke up at the crack of dawn...

she was OK with it!

I had a dream last night that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.

Then I woke up and realized it was just a Fanta sea.

Man I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any more kids.

But yet I woke up this morning and they're still here!

Son, was there a kidnapping at school today?

Yeah Dad, but he woke up.

I dreamed that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda

But then I woke up. It was just a fanta sea.

There was a kidnapping down the street today.

He woke up eventually.

Did you hear about that kidnapping at school yesterday?

It's okay, they woke up!

But honestly, these schools are getting real serious about nap times.

A kid was recently detained for resisting a rest!

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